Read Handbook for the Heart: Original Writings on Love by Richard Carlson Free Online
Book Title: Handbook for the Heart: Original Writings on Love|
The author of the book: Richard Carlson
Edition: Back Bay Books
Date of issue: February 2nd 1998
ISBN 13: 9780316120043
Format files: PDF
The size of the: 912 KB
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Reader ratings: 5.6
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Nathaniel Branden: “I focus principally on what I care most about in this world- on what I most respect & admire. That is what I give my time and attention to.”
Barry Neil Kaufman: “love is ... accepting/non-judgemental, wanting the best for another person, doing something useful to help another person realize her potential. Love is a choice. But to love, you must first find happiness within yourself, because when you are unhappy, you are not loving. You must also create a space where you refrain from judging those around you, a place of learning, a place where you are present for others at any given moment. Then, when you bring happiness alive in your own life as well as in the lives of others, you are able to love and be loved in return. The parts of you on which you focus the most attention becomes the parts that are the most developed. Focus on love instead of anger, fear, anxiety & judgement. Happiness and love reside in the present. Make love and happiness a priority. Let go of judgement. Gratitude. Authenticity. The one who loves most, wins.”
Rabbi Harold Kushner- “people don’t want advice but understanding. Give them your concern, let them feel that they are worth caring about. Instead of focusing on being loved, focus on being a loving person. Forgiveness- accepting imperfections & quirks. Choose happiness over righteousness. Who cares if you’re right? Sacrifice the victory for the sake of happiness. You make yourself happy by being a good person. Is there something I can do to make this a better relationship? What else can I give to it? Be a giver not a taker. We love people who, by accepting us, enable us to be better than we otherwise would be. We love someone who reflects to us an image of ourselves that makes us feel good about ourselves. The universe knows exactly who you are and loves you anyway, we are permitted to love and forgive- ourselves and the other imperfect people in our lives.”
Sharon Salzburg: “guilt being considered in the Buddhist psychology a quality of self-hatred. If we are fortunate, we might have one being in our life who is a model of unconditional love, so that we don’t fear rejection if we are totally honest with this person or if we don’t present ourselves in a certain way. A spiritual practice based on self-hatred can never sustain itself. We have to begin with loving ourselves, being able to embrace all parts of ourselves as well as all parts of the world, in order to understand our capacity to love. The Buddha said, if you truly loved yourself, you would never harm another. Meditate: wish upon myself love & safety & peace and that everyone wants to be happy. What do I most admire and respect? What do I care most about in this world?
Deepak Chopra: “if you want more love, give more love. Love is its own reward. Appreciation - honor & admire what’s special in others, you care for & treasure them. Attention- listen & be present. Ask “what can I give this person?”
Stephen & Ondrea Levine: “what fears and desires make me unloving? Live in the present. Nothing makes us happy except the work we do inside. Relationships are a forum for that inner work. Nothing teaches us how unloving we are like relationships do. They put us in a position where we’re confronted daily with our holding, our fears, our expectations, our anger, our distrust. The difficulties in a relationship are one of their most precious gifts - provided we have a partner with whom we can let go and not be abused for letting go. Check to see if the other person is feeling loved instead of whether or not we feel loved.”
Marianne Williamson: “we are on earth to bring healing to the world. Whatever issues you have can be magnified in relationships.”
Jack Kornfield: “When you are impatient with your life, ask advice from your death.”
Betty Eadie: “I learned to fill my life with love by first learning to love myself. I found that when I wasn’t acting in loving ways to others, it was invariably because something unacceptable was going on inside me. At those times, it seemed that most of the people in my life were bothering and annoying me. Fortunately, I discovered that this bother was stemming from something missing within me, from a lack of self-esteem- self-love - and it usually had nothing to do with “them.” I knew that to fully love others, first I had to feel love for myself. It’s important to love & appreciate the little things in life, all the beauty of creation. As I go about my day, I try to appreciate everything I see: a bird, a flower, something unusual happening. My goal is to love what I see and gives thanks for being shown it. When I do, it’s as if the universe opens up and envelopes me with love. The more you notice the love, the miracles, and the beauty around you, the more love comes into your life. The more you love, the greater your ability to love. People who are loving and giving attract kindred souls into their lives, for it is easy to love those who are themselves loving. This doesn’t mean that you should allow yourself to be taken advantage of, but rather that you become a model of love and loving behavior. You may be able to help lead that person to another level, where he or she might be kinder somewhere down the road. Such love and kindness come out of this little girls eyes... think of yourself as a kind, loving person.”
Stephen R. Covey: “where did you get this concept that love is a feeling? Love is a verb; love is something you do. I believe the true test of a family is how the parents treat the child who challenges them the most. If you can show unconditional love toward that one child, then all the other children know that the love expressed toward them is also unconditional.”
Joan Borysenko: “every time someone presents you with an act of kindness, he or she has given you a gift. Don’t take anything for granted. Acknowledge and give thanks. Frequently, what is considered loving is accepting from another things that are less than what you would wish them to be, yet not saying anything about it. Then you store up these moments, resentments build, and eventually stacks blow. This unspoken debris blocks the paths for both giving and receiving. To keep the channels open and clear requires a willingness to talk about the things that are difficult. It’s hard to say something when you think someone else is not going to like hearing it. Honest communication is a skill, and it correlates with your ability to be able to truly give and receive love. If they bury their own needs, they don’t receive what they need and eventually start to build resentment about giving to others. They’ve given away themselves and now there’s nothing left. In their compassion and desire to help everyone, they lose themselves or fall into a rut of manipulation. Buddhist meditation of giving & receiving: first visualize your own pain as smoke around your heart. Inhale that smoke into the light within your own heart and then when it dissipates, exhale your heart-light back to yourself. Then do it for others (breathe in their pain and breathing back your happiness, the wholeness of of your own true nature). Codependency- you can tell there’s something wrong with the personal equation in a relationship if you don’t feel enough love coming back to you. Anger is a great teacher in learning to give and receive love, because it’s pure feedback. The message may be painful, but it’s also simple and clear.”
Patricia Love: “if we can let ourselves listen, truly listen to what our mates are telling us, move beyond the style or tone or particular words, we may hear that they are speaking some piece of our own truth. Some people find themselves continually rejecting the lessons their partners and the people close to them offer. They feel that others are letting them down. If we are out of harmony with ourselves, not listening to our own inner whisperings about what is safe and true, the proper messages can’t get through. And we feel let down.”
Harville Hendrix: “unconscious self-hatred was the source of our conflict and probably fueled the power struggles of many couples. We have different points of view and we’d show little appreciation for the others ideas. We would criticize each other - and we possessed the very same traits we criticized in the other. Rejection of a trait or behavior in the other was actually a form of self-rejection. We finally realized that in order to increase our self-love, we had to learn to love in the other person the trait we most disliked in ourselves. And we had to stop criticizing each other, because the Moore we criticized a dislikes trait in the other, the more we increased our unconscious self-hatred. Criticism, the coercive language of conflict, creates defense and distance rather than contact. Use intentional dialogue- 3 steps include direct mirroring (hear the other person without interpretation or emotional reaction) reflect back the speakers words without judgement, then validation (try to see it from speakers point of view) “what you are saying to me makes sense because...”, and finally empathic relating (truly understanding your partners feelings). Once you have truly figured out what bothers you in other people, you probably have accessed your own self-hatred, which has then been projected on someone else.
James & Salle Merrill Redfield: “it is only when we are fully conscious of our feelings that we can process them and let them go. When we recognize negative feelings- instead of denying them- they can pass through us, thereby clearing the way for love to reenter our lives. The key is letting go and accepting whatever is happening in our lives at the moment. When our intention is geared toward love, when we trust that the deeper, mystical part of us is always lying beneath these negative feelings waiting for a chance to surface, the letting go becomes easier. It’s important to listen at a deep level to those around us and to enter into a dialogue with them, validating what they are saying.”
Samahria Lyte Kaufman: “realize that what you want is to feel good and loving and make that your first priority. The one who loves the most, wins. Live in the present and practice gratitude.”
Louise L. Hay: “to break the flow of negative thoughts repeat the words love, peace, joy, contentment. Choose to be happy by being grateful. Let people know they are loved and wanted and will be taken care of, and their true personalities come out. During a crisis know that something good will come out of it, that it is for your highest good, all is well, you are safe.”
Leo Buscaglia: “love lives in the present. Love never asks for or expects anything in return. If nothing is expected in return, we can never be deceived or disappointed. Expecting something from others as our “right” is a prescription for unhappiness. Others give us only what they are able to, when they are able to. We must be willing to give up certain destructive characteristics- such as the need to be constantly in control,to always be right, to be free of conflict & frustration, to change others for our needs, to be loved by everyone, and to possess.
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Read information about the authorRichard Carlson Ph.D. was an author, psychotherapist, and motivational speaker, who rose to fame with the success of his best-selling book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all Small Stuff (1997).
He met and married Kristine Anderson (Kris Carlson) in 1981 while he was a student at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California.
Carlson published his first book in 1985, but became famous when his Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all Small Stuff became a best seller. "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" topped the bestseller lists for two years. People magazine named Richard Carlson as one of that publication's "Most Intriguing People in the World." He was popular on the talk-show circuit.
Carlson was born and raised in the Bay Area. He grew up in Piedmont, received his bachelor's degree from Pepperdine University and his doctorate in psychology from Sierra University, before opening a private psychotherapy practice.
He wrote many follow-up books to this success, including Slowing Down to the Speed of Life (co-authored with Joe Bailey) in 1997, one co-authored by his wife, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff in Love (2000), and What About the Big Stuff (2002).
Carlson died of a pulmonary embolism during a flight from San Francisco to New York, while on a promotion tour for his book Don’t Get Scrooged: How to Thrive in a World Full of Obnoxious, Incompetent, Arrogant and Downright Mean-Spirited People (2006).
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